I put the tv on “just for a few minutes” until I knew for sure Peanut was asleep, before going to bed myself. A true stories in the ER show was on. Trainwreck. I couldn’t turn it off.

A woman was mauled on the face and neck by a mountain lion and somehow managed to survive. The doctors repaired her as best they could, and honestly she looks amazingly good. She has scars and loss of movement on half her face, but she still is very pretty.

A little girl fell onto a cactus and had thousands of spines stuck in her back, arms and legs. The parents wouldn’t permit general anesthesia, and after a couple hours of trying to pick out the hair-like spines without causing the girl intense pain, the doctor was at a loss. He had a brainstorm and decided to use a drug store hair wax kit. It worked and he was able to get the spines out, hundreds at a time.

The clincher was an uppity woman, accompanied by her nephew, with nondescript symptoms. She was complaining of generally not feeling well. The intern did a series of neurological tests, all of which she passed with flying colors. She became angrier and ruder with each non-diagnosis and began demanding CT scans and MRIs, all while name-dropping. The intern had no idea who she was talking about, but decided to go to the head doctor. Head doctor was annoyed, told the intern to cut the lady loose, then asked what name she dropped. Oh, wait a minute, that’s the hospital’s biggest benefactor. Let me go talk to her. Yes, go ahead and run any test she wants.

The intern begins a battery of tests, again nothing diagnostic. He’s at a loss.

Meanwhile, you can just see the woman’s fingers itching to call her benefactor friend. “Hello Reginald darling, it’s Buffy. Oh, not too well. You simply must end all donations to that dreadful downtown general hospital. It’s filled with incompetents. Why, I was “treated” by an infant who could barely tie his own shoes much less diagnose my life-threatening illness. He kept me in that dirty ER filled with drug addicts, pregnant sluts, criminals, and unmentionables for hours, all while forcing me through a series of painful and embarrassing tests. I won’t go into all the details, but I simply had to tell you how they are wasting your hard-earned money.

By the way, do you still hold Microsoft stock? Dump it, darling. That fool Bill Gates is jumping ship to devote time to his silly philanthropy. Yes, I know, Warren Buffett is on the bandwagon, too. Imagine, taking his children’s inheritance and throwing it away on a bunch of third world heathens. What is this world coming to?

I’ve kept you long enough. Yes, Charles and I will be at the ball Saturday. Ta-ta.”

As a last resort, the intern runs a urine test. By this point, uppity husband has arrived and is digging in to the intern as well. The results come back – positive for pot. The intern asks uppity woman if she smokes. She is offended and disgusted. So he point blank asks her if she smokes pot. She’s ready to tear his head off and crap down the hole. Uppity husband is appalled anyone could think such thoughts about his delicate flower of a wife. Intern asks if she ate anything unusual. “No, I already told you, Maria the cook made roasted mountain goat flown in fresh from the Alps with endive-artichoke-goat cheese garnish, which never gives me trouble. For dessert I had two of nephew’s delicious brownies.” Dingdingdingding. “Ma’am you’re high. The symptoms will wear off soon and you’ll feel fine." Uppity family grabs nephew, hightails it outta there, and uppity husband mentions “discretion” to the intern. Priceless.