I am feeling so fucking overwhelmed.

Lily had her surgery and seems to have pulled through OK. Her spleen was very enlarged and needed removal. The vet doesn't have a clear idea as to why, so it will be biopsied. He was afraid it would rupture if he left it in, which could have led to severe internal bleeding and death. He also found a piece of the toy in her colon and removed that as well. The estimated cost (given before surgery) ranged from $250-$500+, so we asked if we could make payments if it ends up at the higher range (which looks probable). The vet said he'd keep costs down as much as possible. I'm feeling bad, like we're scamming the vet, but we just finished paying $600 to the OB in September (which she required 3 months in advance of the due date) and we still owe $1000 of our $1500 deposit to the maternity hospital. Plus the $400 deposit to the anesthesiologist in case I need an epidural (I'm praying I don't).

Hubby was just called back out after being home a whopping 20 minutes. The fuckers at his work called the house again after he left. That's what his cell that we pay out the ass for and the work pager are for. Don't call the house at 11 pm. I was trying to sleep which now won't happen. Thanks a bunch.

Hubby and I both have been stressed about money. He's talking about picking up more work details when the baby is born, which seems like a good idea. We'll need the money for childcare and to pay off the hospital/doctor bills. What I'm getting annoyed about is his little comments about how he doesn't think we can afford a couple months of me going back part time before I go back to full time. Here's the deal: I have enough leave time to take 3 paid months off. From what I've heard from all my mom friends, I'll need it. Then I plan to use FMLA and go back half-time (at half pay) for a couple of months to transition back into full-time work. Hubby is very stressed about this and brings it up every so often. I'm so damn tired of it since I tend to be more conservative about spending money - he's usually the spender. This is one time when I know I'll need recuperation time and I'm gettting shit for it. Never mind that most of the maternity clothes I've bought, including the goddamn maternity bras I've had to buy because my regular underwire bras were digging into my ribs, have come out of my allotted spending money. Never mind that there have been several paychecks lately where I've spend only part of my spending money and used the rest for bills. (Not to say that I'm perfect and always strictly stick to our budget, but I really try.) This past weekend he bought a router and router table out of his spending money. He admits it was more than his allotted amount, but never actually said how much. Somehow his spending money seems to stretch a lot further than mine. I don't even want to mention the router to him because I know he'll offer to take it back, I'll say no, then I'll feel like the shitty bad mommy for not letting him have his fun toy. Yet two fucking months of half pay in order for me to cope with going back to work and being separated from the baby are this big sore spot for him.

Then there's the stress about the actual labor and delivery. Hubby did go to most of the birthing classes with me, but I don't know how much of it he really learned/payed attention to. I'm going to need his support, but I'm not really sure how much he'll be able to give. We're supposed to do a relaxation exercise every day and I don't even know the last time we did it. He will give me back rubs or foot rubs when I ask, but it usually seems like a big hassle for him. Never mind that my feet are swollen and hurt and I can only fit into 1 pair of shoes now. Never mind that my hip joints and legs hurt most of the night because of the strain of lying on my sides. And never mind that those relaxation techniques we're supposed to do may keep me from needing pain meds during delivery. Pain meds that I want to avoid.

That was a load off. Maybe now I'll be able to go back to sleep.

Hubby, if you read this: don't bring it up. I've had enough talk about the money situation. I'm cranky tonight and I'm sure I'll have a better perspective tomorrow. But the next time you want to mention my leave time think about it first.