I am feeling worn out and disappointed in myself today. It's been a rough week or so. Last week was Hubby's on call week which always is a source of stress for both of us. Peanut is still co-sleeping, but sleeps best when he's snuggled up to Hubby. One of us always sleeps with an arm under Peanut's head/neck just to make sure he doesn't get rolled on or smothered under bedding. While Hubby was sick, he slept in another room. Peanut did well in bed with me one night, I think because I didn't go to bed until he had his last bottle and was zonked out. The other night he couldn't settle down, so I put him in his bassinette. So of course he woke up in the middle of the night and needed to be fed. He went back into the bassinette until he started coughing, then he came back in bed with me and wiggled and squirmed and kept me awake. (He does a coughing/choking thing now - we don't know if he's choking on saliva or if it's reflux. His chest is clear, so the pediatrician is not concerned.) Solo feedings mean that I have to hold him upright for 20 minutes or so to keep reflux in check, then get him settled down so I can pump. Generally, a solo feeding takes an hour or more. Not my idea of fun at 3 am.

Peanut had his 4-month Well Baby appointment on Monday. What a mess. He was sound asleep at daycare when I picked him up. He was fine until I put him in the carseat. The crying began. He dozed back off during the ride, but as soon as we were in the door at the pediatrician's, the screaming started. I tried giving him a cold bottle, which pissed him off more, and he just spit the milk out. Then we had the shots. More screaming. He zonked out during the car ride home and was very happy to get a warm bottle at home. He did fine all evening, but woke up at 4 am screaming for a bottle and with a fever. Hubby freaked at how warm he felt, so I took his temp, and it was below the amount that would warrant a middle-of-the night phone call, so we gave him some Tylen*l, fed him, and went back to bed. I decided to stay home with him yesterday since he was still warm in the morning and was really fussy. No matter how I held him yesterday, he couldn't get comfy. He finally napped in his swing for a short while in the morning and for a good 2 hour nap in the afternoon. Those naps allowed me to pump, eat, and catch a little sleep. Nothing is more stressful than trying to pump while the baby is screaming. And I feel like shit that he doesn't seem to like having me hold him. No matter how many times I try to find a comfy position, it doesn't work. Give him to Hubby and he settles right down.

During one of his naps, Mom called, crying, asking if we could put some money in her account. Turns out she's really sick and had difficulty breathing during the night, but wouldn't call the ambulance. She did get to see the doctor and has the flu and a respiratory infection. They gave her 2 antibiotics plus a shot for her neuralgia. The Lid*caine patches she was using for the neuralgia gave her a rash and they attempted to put her on Neur*ntin for it last week- she had been on it twice before as a mood stabilizer and it messed her up. I reminded her of the side effects she had last time and suggested she tell the doctor. The doctor wanted her to try anyway. One dose was all she needed to realize it wasn't going to work. So I have a frightened Mom who is sick and in pain and scared to be alone and I won't risk exposing Peanut. I feel like shit for not helping her, but I am also burned out from dealing with her health issues and relieved to have a valid excuse not to deal with them.