Even though I gripe and moan about Mom and make fun of her, I’m very sad about the whole situation. Bitching and joking helps me to cope. But deep down, I mourn the loss of my mom as she used to be. You’d think that after these past 8 years (when things have really gone downhill with her) I’d be over it. I’m not.

Last night, Hubby and I lay in bed and talked. He vented about the past couple of days with Mom. He spent nearly 8 hours on Wednesday driving her all over town. Because of her oopsie with the key, he picked Peanut up 2 hours later than planned and it really bothered him (this is one of Hubby’s “long” weeks where he works 60 hours.) Mom’s response of “Well, it doesn’t matter” pissed him off and she has no clue. It may not have mattered to her, but Hubby wanted to spend a few precious extra hours with Peanut. Hubby was home again yesterday and although he did no chauffeuring, Mom couldn’t even help by watching Peanut for 30 minutes while Hubby cleaned out and filled the kiddie pool. She brought Peanut outside and claimed she needed to put her feet up because of the swelling (which didn’t impede her from taking a walk in the evening.)

Hubby and I are sick of her selfishness, her inability to see how her requests/demands put strains on us. Of her telling Hubby “not to be so sensitive” when he expresses anger at a day of futilely driving her back and forth across town.

While Hubby vented last night, I went from angry at her to sad. Sad that I’ll never again have a “normal” mother-daughter relationship. Although Mom is mostly able to take care of herself, I’m still, in many ways, responsible for her. I worry about her as a parent worries about their child.

I know I need to let go, but I wish so much that she could again be a mother to me. And be a grandparent to my child. I wish I could call her up when I had a problem and have her help me, hold me, bake a batch of cookies, or whatever she used to do. Instead, it turns around into what’s bad in her life and I feel guilty for dumping on her. She’s fragile and I’m afraid I’ll break her weak grasp on stability by loading my troubles on top of hers. I wish I could drop Peanut off for a few hours and go out with Hubby, get my hair cut, go to the bookstore, or take a nap. But I will not feel safe leaving him alone with her (for more than a 20 minute run to the store) until he is old enough to look out for himself.

Last night also got me thinking about Hubby’s mom and how I feel shorted by her. I know she loves us and does her best. She’s so worn out taking care of the rest of the family that she has little left for us, or herself. And I resent it. She’s been spending 2-3 weeks a month at one sister’s house to take care of the kids until SIL and BIL are again stationed in the same location. This has been going on for over a year and a half. When she’s home, she babysits various grandkids, great-grandkids, and extended family. I wish she would come and stay with us for a week or two and give Hubby and me some respite. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel she owes us this. She doesn’t. But it’s hard to sit back and see how much she does to help her other kids while we’re struggling.