Friday, August 20, 2004

I have been in a shit mood this morning. I guess it's one of those moods pregnant women are notorious for. I've been stressed, missing hubby (who I've seen for a total of about 1 hour this week), and I'm worried about the baby. Lordy, am I worried. The peanut was really active for a couple days this week. Peanut kept pushing against my bladder and was bouncing around like a cranker on a trampoline. Then yesterday, Peanut didn't seem quite as active and the movements didn't feel as forceful. I'm trying not to stress over it since I have an OB appointment and ultrasound on Monday, and honestly, if something is wrong I don't think there's much that could be done at this point anyway. Peanut is too young to be viable outside the womb. Peanut is definitely still moving, and may have shifted position to where s/he's punching instead of kicking...that's what I'm hoping.

Then I started thinking about labor & delivery and caring for a newborn. Holy shit, am I scared. Can I survive labor? I'm petrified of having an epidural and want to avoid one unless it's medically necessary for a C-section or something of that magnitude. I decided I'm going out this weekend to buy a copy of "What to Expect the First Year". I'm so worried I won't know how to do anything for the baby. Will I put the diapers on too tight and hurt Peanut? How will I know if Peanut is too hot or cold? What if Peanut constantly screams? What if Peanut can't/won't latch on? How do I know if Peanut is sick enough to need a doctor? I have all those What If's and more roaring in my head.

The big stress this morning, though, was the experiment I'm setting up today. It's a chemical trial in the greenhouse....involving nasty chemicals. Of course the MSDSs provide no information regarding teratogenicity (my big concern) or carcinogenicity. Only the general crap that's on every MSDS like: "May be irritating to the skin, eyes, and mucous membranes. Avoid contact". Well, I'm not going to sprinkle the shit on me like baby powder or snort it. My sweetheart of a coworker offered to weigh my experimentals out for me after he saw me at the fume hood suited up in a dust mask, apron, and gloves. I wrangled our lab helper into actually applying several of the chemicals in the greenhouse, so I've been able to pretty much avoid any contact.

I'm still stressed, though.

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