Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I went to Target the other day to look at bathing suits. Hubby and I are going to the beach on Saturday with friends, and I wasn't feeling real comfy with my old bikini. I also have a one-piece, but it's too long in the torso, so the ass sags. I like Target because they sell tops and bottoms separately, which I need. I tried on 3 styles in various sizes and was unhappy with all of them. There's nothing like the angled mirrors on dressing rooms to show all your flaws, especially the ones that are hard to see at home. My ass and thighs are cottage cheesey, my belly pooches, and I had a lovely view of the areas on my back where the bikini top pushed together folds of skin. I ended up just buying a little skirt thingy to wear over my old bikini. I used to hate the return of warm weather because of my stick arms and cheicken legs. Now I hate it because of just about everything.

The sad thing is that I'm currently reading The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. I know that the "ideal" image of beauty has been sold to me, but I still can't get over hating how I look in a bathing suit. I was lucky growing up - my Mom was always positive about my appearance. She'd tell me I was beautiful and that I didn't need to wear makeup. The not wearing makeup did sink in, but I certainly didn't and still don't feel beautiful. This crap image of how a woman "should" look is so fucking pervasive. All the beer commercials, women's magazines, makeup ads, and fashion ads are all one gigantic mindfuck.

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